An Inuit hunter asked the local missionary priest: "If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?" "No," said the priest, "not if you did not know." "Then why," asked the Inuit earnestly, "did you tell me?" --Annie Dillard, Pilgrim at Tinker Creek
"Welcome to Hell..." she said with a smile.
Her greeting was nice enough, albeit confusing to be sure. I smiled and shook her hand delicately, not taking her too seriously. To be honest, I wasn't sure where I was, but it seemed to be an office, and she was leading me into a board-room. It was a large room with a very long table, and high leather-backed chairs to make it seem very official. It wasn't anything special, but it was nice enough.
I pondered for a moment as to why, in fact, I was here. The lady, who looked very professional, smiled at me pleasantly over wire-rimmed glasses and offered me a seat. She handed me her business card and sure enough it read...
Lucy Furr Senior Client Representative
I sat down in one of the comfortable leather chairs and wondered what was going on. If it was some sort of practical joke, then someone was going to get some serious payback. Lucy looked very official, in her blue business suit, with a skirt that reached the knee, barely. I pondered at her card, and the logo, which seemed to glow in my hand. I felt a bit uncomfortable, so she tried her best to make me feel at ease. "I guess you must be wondering why you are here." she said, still smiling. I said nothing in reply, nervously tapping my heel on the floor. She then produced a large leather portfolio and opened it, and then with a wave of her hand, the lights dimmed somewhat and out of nowhere a large screen appeared. It wasn't a normal screen, I could almost see right through it. "No," she said plainly, "you are not dead... not yet anyway!" Her smile was now bordering on psychotic, and I tried very hard to ignore it. "Please watch the screen." she said. The lights dimmed and from the middle of the screen a light appeared, and then several scenes presented themselves. Suddenly a male voice came from the screen, calling me by name. "Welcome, Paul." he said. "Welcome to Hell! Oh, this isn't your mom and dad's version, this is the new, state of the art, upscaled version for the new clientelle. We realised that the fire and brimstone, the tortured screaming souls image wasn't popular, wasn't attracting the right people, so we decided to change our image.... Lucy, please show Paul the first package.' Lucy turned the portfolio to an open page and showed me something called the "Family package". It definitely had all the goods, tennis courts, golf courses, swimming pools. Almost like a time-share establishment. The mans' voice returned. "The image upgrade had to happen. Too many good people are being conned out there today Paul. Too many good people are coming to Hell." He paused. "Let me explain it to you." he continued. "Today, more than ever before, there are more Gods out there, more people trying to get you to believe that their path is the right one, that their God is the one true God. In all of this, only one constant remains true. One thing doesn't change in all of it. Hell. If you do not pick their path, you will burn in hell. So, we end up getting people coming here, who thought they were going somewhere else, and let me clarify, if heaven was all it was cracked up to be, they'd have figured out the real path by now! " I wondered how this had happened to me, why I was here, why I was selected to go through this process. I had never considered the nature of my faith, and it was always there, but nothing I took overly seriously. I sat back and listened further to his proposition. "So, in order to do some eternal damage control, we have decided to start bringing people down for a chat, give them a chance to see what we have on offer here, and ultimately offer Hell as a choice for your Eternal resting place. Now, I should say, there is no knowledge of your demise here, and it would be irresponsible of me to let you in on that little secret. All we need is for you to consider our offer and sign the contract. Lucy will take over from here ok Paul? She'll answer any questions you may have!" With that the screen disappeared and the lights came back on. Lucy pulled out a contract and laid it on the table before me. She talked about what an advantage it was, how lucky I was to be getting in on this new Hell. I looked at the piece of paper and picking up the nice pen I looked it over for a minute or so. Then, standing up I smiled and looked at her as she sat there still smiling, as if in anticipation of my acceptance. I shook my head "no" and watched her smile disappear. She quickly stood, closed her portfolio and escorted me from the board room. I awoke from the dream to a loud knocking on my front door. Struggling to get the sleep from my system, I staggered to the door, rubbing my eyes at the bright sunlight as I opened it. To my amazement, there stood Lucy smiling as large as ever. "Oh, good morning sir..." she said bouyantly, I stood there in shock, semi-conscious of the beautiful young woman in front of me. I looked down and with an inquisitive look I asked her what she wanted. "...do you know God sir?" she asked.
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